The Measure of a God
by Orlando23
Summary: It started out as a not-so-innocent question. Darcy asks Natasha for a little insight into the Black Widow's notorious skill-set, and ends up not quite sure what to do with the answer. A Darcy and Natasha conversation.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfiction in a long time, and my first in The Avengers-verse entirely. I have a full outline for this conversation, but a sequel may follow where Darcy acts upon information received (if I muster the courage). I like to read this with Darcy and Natasha's voices in mind, so here's a prompt to do that if you so wish. Hope you enjoy! *bites nails nervously***

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"So I heard that you can tell how good a man is in bed just by looking at him."

Natasha's eyes paused momentarily, and flicked up from her book. Well, that was not the most obvious thing you'd expect to be accused of over a late-night cup of tea. She smiled, and put the book down on the bench. "Where did you hear that?" she asked smoothly.

"The internet," Darcy shrugged and made her way over to the stool next to Natasha. She nabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and took a large bite.

Natasha leaned back slightly, a smirk still tugging at her lips. "Ah, so then it _must_ be true…"

"Your Wiki page – before it was taken down by SHIELD – was mostly speculative, but surprisingly comprehensive for a spy. I reckon nerds who were very keen for accurate information wrote it." She paused for a moment to take another bite of her apple. "So… is it accurate?" She asked, her eyes gleaming rather mischievously for someone with a mouth full of half-chewed fruit.

Natasha paused, and took a quick inventory. "Mostly."

"Mostly?" Darcy swallowed.

"I've found I'm right about… ninety nine per cent of the time."

"Gee, talk about a bad strike rate. Glad you went with 'mostly' there." Her sarcasm practically dripped onto the bench.

Natasha smirked. "It wouldn't be fun if there weren't a little room for surprises. But yes, I'd like to think that I can get an accurate measure of a man."

"So…" Darcy said as she pondered her apple. "Is it too personal to ask if that data is an extrapolation or based concrete statistics?" Her eyes glanced back up to Natasha.

Natasha smiled briefly before taking a sip from her cup. "Probably. But my data is concrete."

"Good for you!" Darcy exclaimed, playfully punched Natasha's arm, which earned her a look of mild bemusement. "I'm impressed. You're doing well for an older gal."

"I'm going to assume that label also comes from my speculative Wikipedia page, and not intended as a personal comment on my appearance," Natasha replied with narrow eyes.

"Well…" Darcy grinned. "Mostly."

"Cука."

Darcy's grin widened. "That's a Russian insult isn't it?"

"Absolutely."

"Awesome." Darcy left her apple on the table and jumped up to make herself a cup of something hot. With her back turned to Natasha, she called out over her shoulder, "So, go on then!"

"'Go on', what?" Natasha responded, confused.

Darcy turned back around, placed a few things on the kitchen bench, and began piling chunks of Tony's best chocolate into her mug. "You can't just say that you know how good a man is in bed just by looking and then not tell me who the best lay in The Avengers is." She paused and looked at Natasha. "That'd be rude."

"Well, I would have thought that was obvious." Natasha said, and sipped her tea.

"Really?" Darcy asked, slightly thrown. "Who?"

"Me, of course," Natasha smirked from behind her cup, her eyes twinkling.

Darcy snorted and poured boiling water into her mug from the tap to her right. "Come on, you know what I mean! Out of those of the X-Y chromosomal persuasion here in Stark Tower, who should I be jumping?"

Darcy turned to the fridge and took some milk out, pausing to check the date on the top before she opened the lip and sniffed cautiously.

"Well, that's a bit of a different question…" Natasha started thoughtfully, as she looked down at her cup.

Darcy had evidently decided that the milk was worth the risk, as she walked back over to the bench, and poured a small amount of milk into her mug. "Yeah, I just ruled you, Jane, Pepper and me out." She took out a teaspoon and began to stir her brew.

Natasha idly tapped her fingers on the rim of her saucer. "Yes, but you also ruled someone else _in_ who wasn't in your original question. 'In the tower' is not the same as 'in The Avengers'."

Darcy narrowed her eyes in thought, and continued to stir her hot chocolate. "In the Tower, but not in The Avengers…" There was a moment's pause, and then Darcy stopped and looked back up at Natasha with a frown on her face. "Loki?"

"Mmm."

"And that would make a difference to the answer?"

"Most definitely." Natasha replied and drained the remaining contents of her cup.

Darcy threw her teaspoon in the sink and placed both hands on the bench. She looked at Natasha seriously. "The answer to 'which guy is the best fuck in The Avengers' is different to 'which guy is the best fuck in the building'?"

"Yes."

"Loki is the best fuck in the building."

"Almost certainly."

"Holy. Shit."


	2. Chapter 2

Darcy kept her eyes on Natasha for a few moments, as if gauging her level of seriousness. All seemed to be Defcon 1, however, as Natasha raised her eyebrows and nodded in silent agreement with Darcy's sentiment of surprise. Darcy picked up her mug and slowly walked back around the bench and sat on her original seat. She took a tentative taste of her hot chocolate and mulled over the information for a moment.

"Loki?"

"Yup."

Darcy levelled her eyes with Natasha. "Loki? As in, tall, dark and crazy?" She made some not-so-complimentary hand gestures.

Natasha smiled. "Uh huh." Natasha took a moment to assess Darcy in an exaggerated way, her head tilted to the side. "You appear shocked."

Darcy swivelled on her stool and relaxed her back against the side of the bench. "Well it's a plot twist; I'll give you that, Shalamalaman." She took a bigger sip of her drink.

Natasha genuinely laughed, and reflected her pose. "Who did you think I was going to say?"

"I dunno... Thor, maybe?" Darcy shrugged. "I hear him hammering away at all hours of the day and night, and Jane seems fairly, you know, nailed."

Natasha threw her head back and gave a sharp bark of laughter.

Darcy smiled and looked down into her mug. She gave it a swirl. "So, I haven't had much to do with Loki… how did you come to this conclusion?" she inquired, in what was clearly supposed to be an understated way.

Natasha smirked and rolled her head to look at Darcy. "You want a lesson on how to spot a man who's good in bed," she replied in a teasing tone.

"Well, I wouldn't say no." Darcy commented. "I haven't exactly had the best track record when it comes to, well, coming."

"Really?"

Darcy sighed. "Yeah, I'm like the Bizarro-Buffy," she said sombrely and leaned forward to stare at her mug harder.

Natasha frowned.

"The Vampire Slayer?" Darcy looked incredulously at Natasha's unchanged expression of lostness. She filed away a mental post-it to give Natasha an actually valuable education at some point. "Well, even her one-night-stands end in gloriousness. I've had two seriousish relationships and neither of them was much to write home about." She frowned. "Not that I write home about my sex life. Ew. Parents. Sex. Shudder."

"So your one-night-stands haven't been that good either?" Natasha slid off her stool and went to make herself another cup of tea.

Darcy swivelled around and hunched over the bench to face Natasha. "Worse," she replied morbidly. "I mean, don't get me wrong; I enjoy sex! I really do." She traced the rim of her mug with her finger. "It's just that I don't seem to be able to enjoy the duet as much as I do the solo, and I kind of think my musical tastes should be the other way around. Or at least I should enjoy the duet enough to take my iPod off the solos playlist and put it on shuffle a bit more."

Natasha pursed her lips. "Sounds like your fellow musicians can't improvise," she commented lightly, and poured some hot water into her cup.

"Yeah. I always seem to have to take over their parts. Musical parts, I mean. Not their- well, yeah, sometimes their parts…"

Natasha laughed. "All right. Get your 2B pencil ready then." She took a teabag and dipped it into the hot water. Darcy straightened up in an attempt to show just how great a student she was prepared to be.

"Okay, Yoda. Give me knowledge, you will."

"It's mostly in the body language," Natasha smiled and continued. "For instance, Loki is all predator when he's particularly alert. That's how I first saw him. He moves a bit like a panther, stalking its prey." She left her tea to brew and imitated Loki's walking cycle; headed back around to Darcy slowly. "He makes small tilting movements with his head, but maintains eye contact with you at all times." She demonstrated. "You can tell his muscles are taut when he walks, ready to spring into action." She rounded on Darcy with a predatory grin. "He's very fluid and grounded…" she commented smoothly, before she sprung out and grabbed Darcy's sides. "Which is great for the all-important hip action."

Darcy let out a nervous bout of twittering laughter. "Fucking Panther-Man..."

"Exactly," Natasha replied as she broke character. She walked back around the bench to immerse her tea a little more.

"When he's relaxing, everything becomes a bit more obvious," she continued. "Next time Loki sits down on the couch, you'll see what I mean. His posture moulds into the chair," she said, almost luxuriously. She relaxed her body and threw her arms out to the side, imitating him. "And he normally splays his legs far wider than would be considered socially acceptable." She snapped upright and took the teabag out of her cup.

"You could chalk that up to a sort of intentional peacock display, but I suspect that's just genuinely how he feels comfortable. When he's sitting and alert, they come in a bit." Natasha picked up her cup and looked at Darcy. "Generally, men who sit with their legs that far apart are showing they're dominant and strong. That ease and subconscious exhibitionism speak of a man who is _very_ comfortable, and confident, with his body."

Natasha sipped her tea when she saw that Darcy had something to add.

"But I've been with a guy who sat like that before, and he wasn't that brilliant. He was kind of like the Much Ado About Nothing of sex. Or maybe the Hamlet? You know, all talk and no action."

"There's a difference between thinking you're that good and actually being that good," Natasha replied thoughtfully. "In my experience it's the men that wait for _you_ to come to them that actually are worth your time and effort. If they're sitting there like that and trying desperately to be the one to get your attention, then I wouldn't give them the time of day."

"Okay. I get it." Darcy took in this information and filed it away.

"And Loki, for instance, is clearly confident with good reason," Natasha continued, and made her way back around to sit next to Darcy. "The man is definitely cut. Probably cut by Bernini, judging from what I've seen in the gym. Elegant, firm muscles and nice, long fingers too." She put both her elbows on the counter and took a drink from her cup. "And when he sits, he's showing off a surprisingly large package for a man who tried to take over the world."

Darcy laughed. "So you don't think it was all just a big - small? - case of penis envy?"

"No," Natasha replied in a slightly annoyed tone. "From the looks of it, Fassbender would be jealous."

Darcy exhaled loudly. "Damn, boy."

"I know. It's a waste, really," Natasha said and took another drink from her cup.

"What do you mean?"


	3. Chapter 3

This one contains a little bit of depth - don't be too shocked - but we'll be back to your regularly scheduled humour in the next (final) chapter! Still haven't decided about a sequel... that would be more inside Darcy's head than this, which is obviously not really from anyone's POV. I'm not sure I have the nerve, but all y'all have been so nice, you're making it difficult to say no! That would also include a bit more of an explanation as to what happened post Thor 2, which I don't really go into here, suffice to say that Loki helped out when Thanos made his final (unsuccessful) play :)

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Natasha hesitated slightly. "Well, despite coming to the Universe's aid eventually, I'm not sure many people here would be able to put aside everything else he's done to actually take him out for a test drive. We wouldn't be alive without him, but we wouldn't have had to save the world the first time if it weren't for him. Plus, he's an asshole. That's a major turn-off." She looked up thoughtfully. "I suppose you could gag him. Then he might be tolerable." Natasha took a sip of her tea.

"Would you? Take him out for a test drive, I mean," Darcy asked cautiously. "I'm certainly sure you'd gag him."

Natasha swallowed, before slowly returning her cup to its saucer. "I'll admit I'm more likely than most to be able to do that. Compartmentalise my emotions. Be objective. It's how I can have this conversation with you. It may have flitted across my mind once or twice. Objectively I know now he was just as much a puppet of Thanos as Clint was for him. Objectively I know that he must have gone through what Clint did – probably more from what Thor's let slip… but objectively, Clint is, well, he's literally my saviour. I don't think I could do that to him. Until Clint can stand in a room with him and not look like he's about to punch Loki in his pretty Norse face, I don't think I could choose to do that."

Darcy stared down at her mug. "I get that. I saw what happened to Erik after Loki had been poking around his head. It wasn't pretty." She looked up at Natasha. "Did Clint go around doing crazy naked things too?"

Natasha stared at Darcy for a moment. "Uhm… no." A smile threatened to break out as she replied. "Though that could have been fun."

"Huh. That must just be an Erik thing then." Darcy drained the contents of her hot chocolate. "Erik's kinda okay with Loki now though," she added thoughtfully.

"Really?" replied Natasha.

"Yeah… begrudgingly anyway. He saved Erik's life from a few of Thanos' minions when all hell broke loose and Erik was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And surprisingly he actually gets on quite well with Jane. Well… they seem to mutually tolerate each other's existence."

"That actually doesn't surprise me so much," Natasha laughed.

"Why? Jane's not an asshole!"

"Of course she's not," Natasha agreed. "But she's fascinated by science, and the universe, and Loki knows a lot about that. It wouldn't surprise me if she could tolerate him for the sake of knowledge. She and Loki probably have a lot in common, actually, if we're still speaking objectively." Natasha rested her head on her fist and looked at Darcy. "But then Tony and Loki have more in common than any of us, I think. They're both intelligent, knowledge-hungry, asshole divas with parental issues. Although Loki's issues are another thing that would make him... fun."

Darcy practically slumped on the bench. "Oh god." Natasha snickered at Darcy's collapsed form. "You just practically waxed poetic about his posture and junk… there's more?"

"Of course. Junk does not make the man, Darcy. But then, I hope you already knew that."

"It's not the size of the wand; it's how you wave it?" Darcy mumbled from under her splayed hair.

"Very good, Harry Potter." Natasha waved away Darcy's smile and accusatory finger. "Yes, that was a pop culture reference. I will not be put in the same time and space bubble box as Steve and Thor, thank you very much. Sex is an act that's a culmination of both body and mind. If one is lacking, then obviously the sex will be lacking." She finished her second cup of tea.

Darcy let this comment hang in the air for a moment. "I didn't think you'd be one to romanticise sex," she said honestly.

"Oh, and I'm not. Absolutely not. I mean, obviously, it should make a difference if you're in love. I have no doubt in my mind that both Tony and Thor are better lovers now than they've ever bothered to be before because they're in love with their partners. But if you had to be in love to have good sex, then I never would have got off."

"I'd say the same thing, but we've already established my track record with getting off." Darcy clambered upright. "Like, low budget movie sequel level of disappointment."

Natasha smiled sympathetically. "No, when I say 'mind', I definitely mean mind, not heart. If you want your partner to have a great time, then you make a decision to make that happen. That decision may come about because you love them, but that's not the only reason to make that call. Loki is all sorts of mentally fucked-up, but I think it's just about right parts insecurity and superiority to make for a, well, satisfyingcombination."

Natasha collected their empty crockery and made her way around to the dish-washer.

"Insecurity and superiority?" Darcy made a face. "I must be too tired to function, because a sixth grade education would tell me those two things appear to be antonyms."

Natasha turned and pointed at Darcy. "And that's what makes him so fucked-up."

"He's insecure about his superiority?"

"He's insecure," Natasha started and closed the dish-washer, "because he's always been second best to Thor. He's been Thor's shadow for as long as he can remember, particularly when it comes to his father. His talents aren't recognised by Asgard as things worthy of a man, let alone a Prince of the realm." She gathered Darcy's wayward hot chocolate ingredients and put them back in the cupboard and fridge.

"Worthy of a man?" the words rolled off Darcy's tongue slowly. She grabbed her half eaten apple and took another bite.

"From what I can gather, magic is meant to be a feminine trait. So the fact that Loki is really good at it-"

"- translates into the god-sized version of 'you fight like a girl'. Got it." Darcy finished, still chomping.

Natasha leaned over the kitchen island. "Of course what that means, as evidenced by the stunning display of The Universe's Biggest Temper Tantrum, and the way he was actually a pretty good ruler of Asgard when left to his own devices, is that he has an insane drive to prove himself worthy. When you have a phallic object that measures Asgardian worthiness which both your brother and father can lift – but you can't even tilt – it might weigh on your mind a bit."

Darcy turned her half-eaten apple between her fingers, a thoughtful expression on her face. "But what makes you think that Loki wants to specifically prove himself in bed though? He tried to take over the world – that wasn't his outlet?"

Natasha smirked. "I suspect that if an entire civilisation decides that you're the person they're going to blame for humanity's insatiable lust, then you've probably not been keeping it laced in your pants."


	4. Chapter 4

Darcy snorted. "Wait. Norse mythology blames him for people being horny?"

Natasha's smirk widened into a grin. "Amongst a lot of things, yes." She tilted her head in acknowledgement. "There's really not a whole lot Norse mythology doesn't blame him for. Including the end of the universe and the sexual desire that we feel."

Darcy took a bite of her apple and chewed thoughtfully. "Maybe it was the helmet," she concluded, and pointed her juiced-up apple fingers at the assassin.

"Maybe that's why he has the helmet," Natasha replied, her voice conspiratorial.

Darcy let out a guffaw of laughter. She took a bite of her apple and they lapsed into a short, comfortable silence that was punctuated only by Darcy's quiet chewing.

"So Loki's the reason I want to grind against Joseph Gordon Levitt? Who'd have thought?"

Natasha smiled. "There's certainly crazier things that he's been blamed for over the millennia," she agreed, and straightened up, her arms splayed wide on the countertop marble.

Darcy's eyes flicked down to her hands. They suddenly seemed very interesting. "And that's another pondering point, isn't it: millennia?"

"Indeed," Natasha agreed quietly, the smirk evident in her voice.

"Assuming he only scored once a year, that's at least a thousand people that he's bumped uglies with. Damn."

Natasha moved around to Darcy's side of the counter. "He's bumped enough uglies for the entire modern world to still know him as 'Silvertongue'. Talk about staying power…"

Darcy looked at Natasha and smiled deviously. "I'm taking it you don't think that's because he has a way with words?"

"Oh, I know he has a way with words. It's apparently quite universally acknowledged. But I have my suspicions that the Vikings may have been killing two birds with one word." Natasha leaned against the bench.

"Tongue-in-cheek, so to speak?" Darcy laughed.

"More like tongue of mystery goes down in history…"

Darcy let out a whoop of laughter, which Natasha joined in on. "If this goes any further I think we may end up writing the first Dr. Seuss adults-only picture book."

"We'd make millions."

Darcy tapped her fingernails on the countertop and pretended to think. "Only problem is that we'd have to get an illustrator who could do a pop-up picture book…"

This idea seemed to particularly tickle Natasha's fancy, as she gave another bout of laughter.

Darcy contemplated her apple and took a final bite. "So are you telling me that you could tell aaaaaall of this from a glance?"

"Well no, not everything. Generally I can make an assessment of a mark on the spot, and like I said, my strike rate is pretty good. I could get most of what I've said from just watching Loki. I got to see him fight, and his magic, got to see him with his brother and other people, and how he held himself. I picked up most of his background from S.H.I.E.L.D. and Thor, but you don't have to know the whole story to realise where his issues were. My initial assessment of him has only been strengthened the more I've seen of him." She stood upright and picked up her discarded book.

"He's been starved of the attention he's been craving for so long that he'll do anything to prove himself," Natasha continued. "Combine that thirst with the body language of a person who has had thousands of years' experience, and socially-implemented standards of godliness, and you're looking at a very, very dangerous man."

"So Daddy made him good in bed? Wow. That sounds wrong."

Natasha gave somewhat of a hard smile. She ran a thumb over the cover of the book. "It's wrong, but probably true. He'd enjoy having control over his partner." She moved slightly closer towards Darcy. "He'd delight that he held their pleasure in the palm of his hand, and could take it away if it suited him. Which he probably would… because on top of all of this, he's an asshole."

"Can't deny that," Darcy replied. She looked down at her apple core. "But you think it'd be worth the pay-off?" she asked slowly.

Natasha's lips quirked upwards. "My strike-rate says most likely."

"Mmm," Darcy hummed thoughtfully. She looked up when Natasha had been silent for a few moments, only to find the assassin with a devious glint to her eye.

"Are you coming up with a cunning plan to come from cunnilingus with Loki?"

"What? No! Of course not." She took a beat. "Kudos on the tongue twister though."

Natasha gave a small chuckle and a vague smile. "I thought it appropriate." She started to walk towards the door before coming to a halt. She paused for a moment. "It is an idea, you know," she said over her shoulder.

Darcy's jaw dropped slightly. Was this some twisted form of permission?

Natasha turned around. "I mean, not for me, but if I were you I'd give it a thought or two. Just don't get attached. And remember the 'asshole' part of our discussion."

"Are you actually saying I should go for it?"

Natasha shrugged. "Why not? It sounds to me like you could use a god in your bed." She gave a final grin. "Sweet dreams," she added before she turned on her heel and left the room.

"Yeah, you too," Darcy added weakly. "Fuck," she muttered to her apple core.

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**Told you this chapter would be funny again! LOL. Thank you so, so much for all your reviews! I can't describe my glee every time I receive a notification! I have an idea for the first part of a sequel that would involve actual, uh, action. I'll have a go at putting pixels to page and I'll see if a) it's any good, and b) I'm brave enough to actually post it! Let me know if you're interested :)**

**[Side note: "juiced-up apple fingers" might be my most favourite thing I've ever written XD]**


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